Is this some sort of test?

Wow, hard to believe sometimes how weird life can be. Tuesday afternoon here we had yet another freak weather event. Come on--10 inches of rain in 6 hours? You have got to be kidding me. Major amount of stress getting home that day in the car. I was afraid that I was going to become one of those world's scariest videos, as my car floats into the Han River. Long story short, my trusty, ancient minivan got me home, but I was pretty shaky by the time I got there.

Glad to say, though, I don't think the stress is affecting my eating too much. I did have a beer after that scary experience, but it's pretty amazing--I can't seem to drink like I used to. When I lived in Russia, it was pretty much a daily habit to drink a liter of beer a day. Yikes. Now I can barely get through one petite American sized beer.

Here's hoping for calmer seas ahead.

Good things

OK, so since I'm not really "feeling it," I'm going to focus on some of the good things I AM doing, and I'm going to try to add these things up enough so I build momentum in the right direction. Yesterday evening, I had kind of a hectic schedule (no big surprise there, right)? I left work around 5, got home (luckily) by about 5:20. It was a good thing I arrived then, because my youngest had soccer practice at 5:30 and of course was not ready. Despite the fact that DH had the day off (at least on paper).

This is probably something that deserves a little bit of writing. DH has been driving me crazy lately. He has a new boss who is requiring a lot more work out of him. Unfortunately, New Boss has no wife or children, so he believes that his employees are available to him 24/7. Anyhow, even though DH is supposed to be on vacation this week, he's working madly on preparing for a visit from some pretty important people. He worked on it all weekend, which resulted in me having to shuttle two kids to and from overlapping birthday parties to places I'd never visited before in this foreign city in which I live. Stress! So, back to yesterday, he's working all day at the computer, so the house is a wreck, the kids are not dressed, groomed, etc., and he's bailed out of his responsibilities to take one of our children to sports practice. Very frustrating. He'd kind of disorganized anyway, and I have a sense that if he were more organized in his approach, he could probably compress this work into a more manageable time frame. BUT of course, I cannot suggest that approach, not being part of his vaulted organization. Oh well.

One of my frustrations is that I know he's concerned about the kids and their weight. My idea was to get them more involved in sports so they would be more active. Good idea, right? He just doesn't seem to get that in order to achieve big goals, you have to work on things every day consistently. Like menu planning and cooking healthy food (anathema!) Like making sure homework gets done and checked every day...but that's another gripe for another day. Or planning a party if you want to have a more active social life (and not just bitching about it on the weekend when you are disappointed with your social options.) Anyhow, I digress.

So bottom line, I'm crazily getting our youngest ready for soccer, while trying to figure out how to get the middle kid to football an hour later. The good news is that they both made it, and had a good time and got some fun exercise. I discovered that there's a track around the soccer field where my DD practices, so I got some walking in, also. I think I'll be able to do that during her practices this fall, so that's a great discovery.

Of course, we were not done until 7:30. And, you guessed it...of course, no cooking was done (me, DD, or DH). I called to get them to start it, but they insisted on going out to a buffet. The second good thing I did was to eat a salad instead of the buffet. With the dressing on the side, I think it was a pretty good choice. By the time I got home and cleaned the wreckage of the day, I was ready for bed--yikes. I guess with this sports schedule I'm going to have to break out the crock pot.

Well, looking back on this post, I see a lot more bitching than good things, so sorry about no truth in advertising in the title. I am happy about the new walking opportunity, and I plan to take advantage of it.

Honestly, not focusing

I'm not doing too well lately on the weight loss front. Frankly, I'm just not focused on it. What I've discovered is that I'm not necessarily eating for emotional reasons--I'm just distracted and eating mindlessly. Unfortunately, I have lousy eating habits, so if I'm not focused, I slip back into them. I've been busy lately, and the focus just hasn't been where it needs to be to get results. So there, blah.

I really have to be honest with myself. Yes, maybe no one else will know that I ate a cookie in the car, but I know, and my body knows it too. Who am I trying to fool, anyhow? I really have to face the reality of what I'm taking in vs. what I'm putting out. There are no shortcuts.

On top of my malaise, I've had this persistent headache for about the last week. It's on the left side of my head, and really annoying. Even more than usual, I don't feel like exercising, and it's not helping much with that whole dynamic.

Is that enough whining yet?

Surviving the Storm

I feel like I've been totally distracted lately because we are recovering from a pretty nasty typhoon here. We were out of power for four days, and our phone is still out more than a week later. I felt very disoriented throughout the experience--kids were out of school, couldn't eat normally, couldn't get homework or regular work done properly, yadayadayada. Lucky for us, they moved us to a hotel over the weekend, but that was odd too--since my kids don't really like Korean food, they were eating $13 room service hot dogs. I was eating whatever, too, which is never very good. My scale was drowned in the storm, so I had to buy another one, which seems to be giving me different readings depending on how I'm standing on it. Yikes, am I making enough excuses yet? Anyway, I've just been distracted by all of this real life stuff.

So I'm looking to re-focus. I want to get back to exercising consistently this week. I'm also interested in simplifying my eating--I've been reading lately about folks who are limiting meals to 500 calories or less, with a couple of small snacks during the day. I like the simplicity of this approach, and I may start it soon if everything calms down! Hope you all have a good week!

On Jillian and other thought provoking things

Well, I watched the new Jillian show the other day, and I really had mixed feelings about it. She's really mean!!! But she did get results. My DH was watching it with me, and I commented on how negative I thought she was. His response was "maybe that would work for you." Yikes. Not the response I was hoping for. But in the spirit of trying to keep an open mind, it has been rolling around in my brain...does slow and steady really win the race? It seems like I have been "trying" for a long time without getting very far. Maybe a butt-kicking, negative approach would be more effective...I don't really know. It's not like I feel like I can be an expert on this topic, since I have spent my entire life in some state of being overweight. Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I feel like the American public has an insatiable appetite for watching overweight people chastised and humiliated, and this is not the best way to go. At least that's what I believe.

Another interesting development...DH had to go to the doctor this week for interpretation of his results. Generally, luckily, he's pretty healthy for being obese. He still wants to lose weight, however. He asked the Dr. what he should do, and mentioned the medifast approach. The dr's response--too extreme. He recommended cutting out fried foods and red meat and processed food. Interesting. We'll see what DH does with that information. I actually think that's pretty good advice, at least for DH. I probably could still maintain my ample self eating that way...still would need to practice portion control.

Finally, I read a post recently on Weightwatchers web site about overweight children. In short, it was about how upset the poster was about her mother and grandmothers' comments regarding her chubby child. Amazingly, there were 90 some comments on the post. Somehow, I found this comforting, that other people also worry about these things. Hopefully that does not make me neurotic. At any rate, what I gleaned from the poster and all the comments was to focus on HEALTH, and not on weight, especially when it comes to children. Glad we got that one straight.

Baby steps

I did finally get around to some exercise last night--not a lot, but some. I'm trying to alternate walking with a little jogging, to get my heart rate up. I did see some positive movement on the scale this morning, so hopefully this trend will continue. I also noticed that I had a lot more energy for my evening's chores, so that's all good. My eating continues to be fine--I had cold homemade whole wheat pizza with turkey pepperoni for bfast this morning. For lunch, I had grilled eel with vegetables and some rice. Very weird combos, but all good healthy stuff. Dinner? I have no idea, which reminds me to call DH to see if he will be joining us. I would love if the thunder would stay away long enough for us to go for a swim...I'm not quite ready for summer to be over yet! Have a great weekend everyone.

Busy days

Well, the crud seems to be gone now, which is good--phew. I need to figure out how to get some exercise in more regularly. I am eating more healthily these days, but not seeing any results on the scale. I can only conclude that it's because of my very sedentary life at a desk. I'm dreading the concept of setting my alarm earlier, but I think it's the only time that other things are not going to get in the way. I need to drum up some enthusiasm on this--inspiration anyone?

I guess it comes down to how badly I actually want this. I was talking with DH the other day, and he was bemoaning the fact that he's at his heaviest ever. He accused me of the same...until I reminded him that I am down from my highest a year ago. Now, I would love to be able to say I'm down a LOT from there, but unfortunately in a year's time it only amounts to 15 pounds lost.

I have been thinking lately it sure would be nice to say I'm down, I don't know, maybe 50 pounds by this time next year. Heck, I see blogs of folks who have lost over 100 pounds in a year. Like anything, it's a matter of focus.

In fact, this is a running theme in my own life, and one I've often advised others on--it's not so hard GETTING what you want--it's DECIDING WHAT you want. So hard some days to figure that out.

So what do I want? How badly do I want to see 50 pounds gone by next August? I really need to figure this out. I think we all know what to do to get there. It's just deciding, really deciding what we want.

Battling the crud

Well, I wish I was tearing things up here, but I've been fighting a cold since getting back. The virus is lurking in my body, gave me one cold sore already, and a scratchy sore throat. I've been beating it back with zinc and multivitamins, but I think it just has to run its course. I guess one good thing is that I haven't had much appetite. I'm really ready to start feeling good again soon! Hope the rest of you are feeling better than me today :)

Long time no see!

Well, I'm not sure if I've lost what readership I had, but I'm back from our month-long home leave in the US. It was pretty hectic, but lots of fun. I'm definitely happy to be back--and happy to say that for once I did not GAIN on a vacation. Big accomplishment for me :) I wish I could say the same for the rest of the fam...Dad gained, and my two youngest are still pretty pudgy. Well, one step at a time.

What did I do right this time? I'm writing it down so I can hopefully remember for the next time:

I was conscious of portions and tried to avoid sweets and fried foods.

I got a fair amount of exercise in, especially the last two weeks, while I was in training for work. I can't take much credit for this--I had to walk from the hotel to school, which involved about 80 stairs each morning. It was pretty ugly, but I did it.

What could I have improved on?

I didn't journal AT ALL. I was nervous the whole time that I would gain weight because I wasn't really tracking my intake.

I could have done more exercising at the hotels.

All in all, though, I'm pretty happy not to be ten pounds in the hole (the result of my last vaca in the US). Maybe my standards are too low?

Now what? I do realize that I need to be a leader for myself AND my family. I did plan a few dinners this week in spite of severe jet lag. We have some healthy dinners on the way, therefore. On restocking the house, I DID NOT purchase any junk. I'm realizing it's not doing me or the family any favors to have it in the house. I will keep making fruits, veggies, and whole grain products available for them.

I also decided that for the first couple of months the kids will be on school lunches. Better for them and me...I think their lunches are very good nutritionally, and even if they don't eat them, they'll have exposure to better choices. Eventually they'll get hungry and eat...right?

On the exercise side, I need to get back with the walk/jogging program. A good friend of mine has lost 20 pounds over the last few months exercising like a fiend. Her point, supported by watching the Biggest Loser a few thousand times, is that fat people CAN work out, and work out hard. We need to push ourselves to the next level, past our comfort zones. Sweat is our friend!

Anyway, some random, catchup thoughts here. I'm excited to be back and blogging again!

Fresh motivation--just in time.

It's been so crazy busy lately that I haven't been posting much. We are getting ready for a month long "home leave" in the states, which will be a welcome thing. However, it requires a TON of preparation--packing, making sure things are taken care of while we're gone, making sure work will not be disrupted, etc. And of course, since I wasn't busy enough, a long lost job application made its way into the hands of interviewers, who wanted to do the interview this week via teleconference...I'm not complaining, I know lots of people would love to have this opportunity, but come on...being grilled for over an hour over the phone by five people on the other end of the phone at 7:30 am? Yikes.

Well, one of the things I'm always concerned about when we go home is the eating temptations. I have to say, I've got some fresh motivation to stay on track while we're stateside. I noticed last night that my youngest two children are really getting chunky. I think they've been carbo-loading over the summer and not getting enough exercise. Anyhow, both DH and I are a little concerned about this trend--according to WII fit, my 9 year old could stand to lose about 10 pounds. I don't even want to get the 6 year old on that thing. I just really don't want them to head down the same road as we have. And since I know children watch your actions more than they listen to your words, DH and I need to step it up a notch. I'm hoping that our time this vacation will involve a lot of playing outside, hiking, and being more active. I'm also planning to take advantage of the fact that most of the places we'll be staying have kitchens--I'd like to find some good farmer's markets and enjoy the summer bounty. Anyhow, have a happy 4th everyone!

Better day yesterday

Seems like I'm getting my eating under better control in the last few days. Yesterday, I shared a lovely grilled fish meal with some Korean-American friends for lunch--everything was good there--lots of vegetables, grilled fish, and very little rice (this always draws a lot of attention from them--why don't you eat your rice???) Dinner was steamed dumplings and green beans.

I'm concentrating on the evenings, since this is where I seem to have the greatest challenge. I definitely snack a lot at home, and dinners are healthy but larger portions than I really should have. I think the key for me will be distracting myself with activities other than eating--shouldn't be too hard with three kids and trying to get ready for a month-long trip to the U.S.

I do plan to exercise this evening. I have been seriously slacking in this area--I did go swimming on Monday, but here it is Thursday and I haven't done any serious sweating since then. Maybe I'll at least mow the lawn tonight--that's always good for a serious sweat session.

I need to start seeing some results...I'm getting discouraged with my lack of weight loss. I really have no one to blame but myself, though--I'm making a halfhearted effort--some days I journal well, get in water, exercise, avoid sugar and refined carbs, get in the healthy fruits and veggies--and some days I don't. To get results, I have to be firing on all cylinders. Otherwise, I actually gain--yikes. I'm not a binger, I'm not eating junk food, I just need to be at a very low calorie level and high activity level to lose, probably because of my age and thyroid situation. As I've mentioned before, I'm mulling whether to try the Medifast system--I'm seeing a lot of people getting really good results with it, and I actually do eat healthy 80% of the time already--so I don't think the weight would bounce back on--what I do think is that it would give me a head start at carving this weight off so I could move better. We'll see...

Nothing like a photo for telling the truth...

Well, a picture says a thousand words...I REALLY hate this photo, but it's giving me new impetus to get my rear in gear. This was taken last Friday as I'm waiting in the boiling hot sun to get an award. I was MISERABLE on our organization day--it was hot and humid and all I wanted to do was go inside. I know I've lost 15 pounds, but it is so incredible to me how fat I still am. Yes, I know that I need to love 60 some pounds before I'm even below 200, but I actually feel lighter than I am most days (although not this one...it taught me something). When I see the photographic evidence, it really does shock me--I really don't like the fat under my chin and around my hips in particular. And don't get me started about my arms.

I really need to do better...guess this was a good wakeup call to get before vacation, when there are a lot of temptations. I just can't afford to go backwards.

So let's have a kick*ss week everyone!

Lots of small successes should add up, right?

I'm feeling pretty good about this past weekend. This is the second weekend IN A ROW that I hosted birthday parties. My DD turned six this weekend, so we held a party for her at a hotel that has a fantastic outdoor play complex. Unfortunately, it was pouring down rain for the first time in about three weeks, OF COURSE. Fortunately, I had hired a backup balloonmaker/face painter, and gathered a bunch of arts and crafts, a pinata, and we were OK. Luckily, I think we're done for about 6 months until the next birthday--PHEW!

I could have junked out in a major way with all the goodies at the party. I'd have to say that the watchword this weekend was moderation. I ate one piece of pizza, one bite of cake, one bite of ice cream, moved on. I guess it really helps that this stuff does not really taste that good when you get down to it, at least the stuff they serve at kids' parties.

We also had a going away party for a friend the next day. Again, lots of junk available. I tried to focus more on my kids and the conversation, so definitely limited my intake. There were some good choices there that I took advantage of, like a lovely Asian cabbage salad.

Actually, my kids didn't even like the food there, so we stopped at the McD's on the way home. What a zoo!!! I told them I would not be doing that again...it took 20 minutes to park, then probably a half an hour to order and get the food, which was not accurate and not good either. I ate two bites of a cheeseburger and passed the rest to my son. Yikes! But again, it was an exercise in moderation, and a reinforcement of what a waste fast food is--especially when it isn't even fast or convenient! I guess disgusting greasy food really shouldn't be that easy to get, anyhow.

DH even cooked one night this weekend--some grilled steak finger, steamed dumplings and edamame. Not bad. I think he knew I was pretty wiped out from the weekend.

I weighed in this morning after this weekend of near misses....262. This is down from earlier this week, during the full period time, of 265. I wish it was going down faster, but with all this craziness going on, I'm not unhappy. Have a good week all!

Doctors' visits are always so much fun!

Went to see my endocrinologist yesterday for my yearly status related to my thyroid cancer, for which I received a thyroidectomy and radiation treatment about four years ago. The good news is that there doesn't appear to be any recurrence of tumors :) And that is a HUGE big piece of good news, lemme tell you. More good news is that she's going to keep me on the same dosage of meds, so no reduction. I was a little worried that she was going to reduce it because I'm pretty far out from the cancer occurrence, but she's willing to continue at this level for another year.

I did indicate to her that despite good efforts at diet and exercise, I'm not losing much weight. Remember, she's the one that first suggested the possibility of lap band or off-label use of diabetic drugs. However, yesterday, she mentioned that another patient of hers is having very good results with Medifast. It's funny, because I have been really thinking about pursuing this method myself. I'm still researching it, but it's definitely a possibility. I think it would just be good to get a jump start.

Made it through the weekend...

Some days it feels like an accomplishment to make it through the weekend. This one surely felt like that! I hosted a sleepover party for my birthday boy and 6 of his little friends, all around 9 years old. What was I thinking! They really junked it up, but I kept my personal damage to a minimum and got a lot of activity in preparing for the party, entertaining, and cleaning up. They had a blast, so it's all good, and I survived it.

We went swimming last night, which felt really good and refreshing. I'm always happy when we get out and do a little physical activity. I even prepared a healthy meal afterwards--made a funny concoction of a broccoli slaw mix stir fry and a frozen chicken lo mein entree--lots of good veggies and very quick. Even DH ate it without too much complaining.

Today has been good, eating-wise. Brought healthy snacks into work, ate oatmeal for breakfast, and turned down the co-workers' evil chocolate bundt cake. I found a yummy cold buckwheat noodle dish, served with veggies and hot sauce, which is a new Korean healthy favorite for me--had it again for lunch today. Something about really spicy foods seems to slow me down a bit and enhance satiety. I will see what is for dinner tonight--I have a good amount of points to work with and a freezer full of food (and leftovers if need be). I'm also going to spend some time on the treadmill. I recently figured out how to make Hulu work on my computer, so I'll be watching some Americano shows while getting my sweat on--woohoo!

Here's to a good week for everyone!

Sloppy eating

Hello all--

I have to say today I'm frustrated with myself. Of course, I'm on day two of a holiday three day weekend, and it's been tough eating-wise. I'd have to characterize my eating as sloppy. Yes, I am limiting my portions, but I'm not eating an ideal WW program. And I have to realize when I say that I'm limiting my portions, most people do not start with my standards (two hamburgers, why not, it's a picnic, right?)

And I'm not getting the results I want, of course. I just have to whine a little bit, though...two days of sloppy eating can result in a two pound gain for me. TOTALLY not fair. My youngest even said to me this morning, wasn't that ice cream last night good? And then I told her I didn't have the ice cream, remember? And thought to myself, and I'm still fat.

Why is this so difficult? I think part of the reason is that so many events seem to revolve around food. This weekend alone, there was a going away party on Friday (dinner food), and a picnic yesterday (more food). Then last night my DH decides we need to go out (because of course he didn't go to the earlier foodfest), and I had to sit and watch him eat all his calories (and then some) in one sitting.

Of course he loves draft beer, so I drank a couple of glasses also (which, I know, I shouldn't have done). One thing I'm realizing on this journey is that I don't even really like beer or what it's doing to me. It used to be fun, but can anyone tell me why now all it does is make me swell up and sweat? Wow, I was super grumpy after drinking a couple of glasses last night. And of course I'm still swollen this morning from processed restaurant crap and alcohol.

I did talk to DH about it last night, but I'm not sure that much is going to change for him. He told me the other night that he really wants to lose weight, but I'm not sure he's willing to put in the effort. Hell, lately, I know I haven't been. I certainly CANNOT do this for two people. What I will do is get back to journaling, drinking water, and exercising this week. All cylinders really have to be firing for me to see any progress.

Jumpy

Hello all--again, I can't believe I'm not posting more often. This week has been strange, that's probably the best way to characterize it. For those of you who don't know, I am an American living in Seoul, South Korea. So maybe now you understand the title of this post. We live with the nut to the North everyday--we're only about 50 miles away from the border here. However, with South Korea confirming that the torpedo that sunk its sub, killing 45 people, was launched by North Korea, tension has been escalating here. I have to say that I've been trying to downplay it, but it is affecting me. I'm dreaming about running, and actually had one foot on the floor when I dreamt my doorbell rang at 2 in the morning. My kids asked me yesterday if we were going to be evacuated, and I tried to reassure them, but I'm not sure how confident I sounded. I've been trying to get my documents in order and think about what I'm going to do with my little doggie if this happens...they won't evacuate animals. (BTW, I'm going to leave him with my vet with a load of cash for boarding.)

Anyhoo, I haven't been that focused on tracking my eating. Basically, it's been healthy, but I haven't been writing it down or paying much attention to portion size. In fact, last night, it was a darn good thing I didn't have much "bingeworthy" foods available...I could have eaten ten candy bars...instead, all I had were a couple of fun size kitkats that were about a hundred years old. I was stressed out, and DH was out VERY late with a work event.

Funny enough, the exercise is going pretty well--usually the eating is difficult and the exercising is hard. I think right now it's somewhat a stress relief. I have this weird notion that I need to be able to run if need be--it helps me get motivated to exercise. I had this post 9-11, too--I was living and working in DC, and all of that was WAY too close for comfort. My notion was that I should be able to walk home from work--I always had a pair of tennis shoes in my drawer at work, and I did get up to the point that I could have easily walked the 5 or so miles home. I know, it's a weird motivator, but hey, it's my life.

Maybe Kristy would write more?

Sorry I haven't written much lately. Work has been VERY busy lately, so it just is sucking the life out of me. On a positive note, the exercising is going well this week. I just can't believe how gratifying it is to actually be able to jog, even a little bit. I really didn't think I was capable of it. And it definitely makes me sweat a lot more--that has to be good for something, doesn't it?

On the down side, I realized this week that I have cankles. Who makes these words up? I actually had to look this up the other day online. I have always had really heavy legs, and a smaller upper body, so the condition isn't anything recent. What is recent is realizing that so many people have noticed this character flaw that it has its own name.

So weird, even though I know my legs are not my best feature, that I'm depressed to be officially "diagnosed" by popular media. Maybe I'm in deep denial, but I've had my fat body for most of my life, and in some ways I feel like I think of nothing else, and in other way (like cankles), I don't think about it much at all--just have accepted it. I think the condition itself doesn't bother me as much as other peoples' cruelty about it. Yup, that's it I think.

What would Kristy do?

Hi all!

Sorry I haven't written more this last week, but I've been thinking about this post, anyhow. I started thinking about the name of this blog, and how I started writing. Basically, my doctor suggested lap band surgery, and it was a giant wakeup call to me to get cracking on the weight loss journey. Since then, I'm down 15 pounds without the benefit of surgery, thank you very much.

But I started thinking about whether this "leaving" concept is the best mental approach here. Lately, I've been thinking, maybe I need to start visualizing what I'm leaving FOR. In other words, where am I trying to get? Lately, I have found this visualization a whole lot more motivating than the initial fear that got me going on this process.

Thus, the question posted in the title, "What would Kristy do?" I am visualizing a 160-170 pound version of myself who is fit and active and upbeat. When I'm on the treadmill and not all that motivated, I'm asking myself, "What would Kristy do?" Of course, Kristy would enjoy her workout because this is her life now. Excuse my schizophrenia, but this way of thinking is really helping me lately. Snack? Would Kristy eat that? Would Kristy eat that and try to hide it from her family...I think not. Would Kristy go back for seconds or be satisfied with a reasonable serving? Kind of psycho, but it is helping me in a strange way...maybe because it's visualizing the kind of person I want to become.

So last week I did very well with the exercise. I'm now at the point where I can "start" the 8 week program. I'm going to do the first week this week, and see how my joints react. So far so good!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's come and gone here, Happy Mother's Day anyhow! I just had to say that I'm proud of myself for choosing a non-food activity for Mother's Day. DH offered to take me to a brunch, but I asked to go to an indoor water park instead (don't ask me why I do these crazy things!) We did end up eating out, but it was a lot lighter than a brunch buffet. But the more important thing is that the main event was NOT the food. I'm really trying to initiate more activities that are non-food related. I want to do more than eat, darn it! (Maybe if I say that often enough I'll actually mean it :) ). Seriously, though, we discovered a new area of town, a new mall, and a new waterpark. They have lovely massaging jets, pools, soaking tubs, and all kinds of good clean fun, so we had a good time.

I did weigh myself this weekend. Looks like it's finally moving down--back to 262. It had gone as high as 265 in the week prior. Look at me writing about this as if my weight is a third person--kind of feels that way sometimes I guess. Have a great week everyone.

Non-scale victories

Well, since the scale hasn't been cooperating lately, I've decided to focus on some non-scale victories (Princess Pollyanna returns!) I started a few days ago with the notion that I wanted to follow an 8 week program offered by WW for getting you jogging 20 minutes in 8 weeks. Here's what I learned so far: I couldn't even do the first workout, LOL! They wanted 5 minutes walking with 1 minute jogging times 4. So, here's the victory--instead of getting discouraged and skulking back to the couch in shame, I've continued working toward doing the first week's workout! Every day this week I've walked and done a little jogging on the treadmill. Last night I got up to three minutes of jogging interspersed with about 15 minutes of walking. So I'm working up to the starting point of that program. I'm pretty happy with my level of sweatiness after the workout, so I know I'm doing something. I also like the idea of being able to run--seems like it would be so liberating.

I'm also sticking with the journaling and eating properly even though I'm seeing no cooperation on the scale. I have to laugh when I talk to other people about weight loss...my assistant at work is discouraged because, after losing 5 pounds in her first week, she's not seeing any scale movement in the next few days after her initial weigh-in. She's ready to quit and go back to eating cheesecake all weekend. I'd hate to tell her that I've only lost about 15 pounds in almost a year. She's probably be mortified. Anyhow, I'm going to keep at it, trying new things, working on getting that stubborn weight off my body.

DH--Why is eating out so great?

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why my DH thinks it's so great to go out to eat. I really am not a bad cook. I actually like cooking, and am fairly decent at it. We actually have a helper at home who cooks pretty well, too. A few times a week she'll get something started, and so dinner is really not a big deal. Except my DH sulks when he doesn't go out.

Let's look back at this week. Friday night: happy hour with typical bar snacks. Sunday: Buffet brunch out. Tuesday: last minute begging involving the children prompted a dinner out at a smoky, noisy restaurant with not many good choices. Today: Children's Day here in Korea, and my DH brings them downtown to go out to lunch with me--this time, at least, it was in a Korean restaurant with choices that were not horrendous.

I'm not sure why the crappiest food out is better than the greatest food in, but that's the impression I've got. On top of that, since I'm the stick in the mud that wants to stay in, I get stuck with all the shopping, food prep, and cleanup (because he didn't want to eat in anyway.)

I just find it way easier to control portions and food at home--you know what's going in to your mouth, and how to count it. DH knows this, but just can't seem to internalize it, or doesn't care. It's frustrating.

No matter what, though, I'm eating at home tonight and tomorrow. Rant over (for now:)).

Persistence

Being stubborn can have its advantages some days...yesterday, I was bound and determined to start an 8 week program I found that alternates walking/jogging. So I came home to the treadmill, wanting to watch a program on the computer while I was doing this, and guess what? No internet. OK, plan B...I'll listen to some music on the computer. Guess what? This weird computer is not giving me any sound. AAAK! So I go into my room to do a video instead. Guess what? The video I wanted to do isn't there. Yikes. So I did one I didn't want to do instead. Guess what? I got interrupted by my naughty child. So I took a break, reset the internet, then got back on the treadmill. And people wonder why it's so hard to exercise? (Note, though, I was very happy I finally did it.) And I'm going to do it again.

Weekend wildness

I guess the sun is affecting my brain somehow because my eating was not good this weekend. I'm joking about the sun, I know this is my own decision, so don't worry :) Anyway, I started with a happy hour on Friday, continued on Saturday with no journaling, and then Sunday with a buffet brunch. Yikes--a difficult weekend eating-wise.

The up side is that I know I'm making better choices than I used to. For the brunch, I definitely focused more on the fruits, salads, and steamed seafood than on the greasy eggs, sausage, etc. Still probably more quantity than I needed, but an improvement. We also did some walking afterwards, which probably did not really erase the damage, but mitigated it somewhat.

I do feel I need to return to a more structured approach to keep moving the direction I want to be going in. This week I'm going to focus more on journaling accurately. Also, I found an eight week program in the WW magazine for getting up to 20 minutes of jogging. I'm going to try it to see if it helps me get motivated. I'd really like to get out of these dreaded 260's!!! Have a good week everyone!

Here comes the sun :)

Thank God! The sun has finally peeked out for the last couple of days. I got out to the park with my kids last night after work and it was just darn good to get out for a walk and game of HORSE with my daughter. Not triathlon training, but a little stretching of the legs. I was getting pretty tired of the crappy weather--I actually had to bring a space heater into my office the other day--ridiculous!

I don't think it's been any secret that I've been frustrated with my rate of weight loss lately. It's funny, though, how the universe sends you little encouraging signs. Yesterday, someone who sees me pretty often asked me if I'd been losing weight...huh? Strange, because I have lost, but not a lot lately. Hey, I'll take it, especially on a day I was feeling especially bloated. Wow, you really have to plan ahead if you eat one of those Kellogg's Fiber Plus bars, yikes!

So at least the week is coming to an end and I need to start planning over the weekend for next week. I started packing my two youngests' lunches, and that in and of itself is an undertaking. I really have to sit down and plan not only for that but for dinners and breakfasts for the coming week. The up side is that I think they're definitely eating healthier. Yay mom! Luckily they like a lot of fruits and veggies, so if I do some advance prep over the weekend we'll be in good stead for the week.

Happy weekend all--enjoy the sun if it makes an appearance in your neck of the woods!

Restless

Wow, I'm really ready for some decent weather. I live in Seoul, South Korea, and the weather this spring has been hideous...cold, wet, dismal. On the days it hasn't been cold or wet, we're getting yellow dust from China that makes your eyes and nose run. Lovely! I definitely think it's affecting my mood. I have been so restless lately. Do you ever feel like you just want something to change? I haven't been making much progress on the scale (262.6 this weekend), and we have two more years here in this post. I even entertained the thought of switching jobs and relocating back to Oregon. This would be very disruptive for the family, and I'm not really sure I'd even want that job (in fact, I'm pretty happy with the one I have.) My DH is also restless--seems like everyone else around us is planning their onward move to their next posting, and we're stuck here for another two years. I know, I know, I'll whine when I have to get everything ready to move, too. Just restless. I'm hoping for some sunny days soon, so at least I can change up and start walking outside.

Busy times

Wow, I can't believe the week has gone by so fast. My boss is out of town this week and next, and the work level has been incredible! Foodwise, things have been OK, although I haven't been journaling much this week. On the up side, I've been so busy that I haven't eaten much either. Last night, DH was out so I took advantage and made some cauliflower pizza, which I've been meaning to try for a while. It was actually very good! I boiled up some frozen cauliflower, drained and cooled it, then grated it into a bowl. I think I'm going to buy a ricer to save my knuckles! Once I had about a cup, I mixed in some grated sharp cheddar, an egg, and oregano. You put this mix on a well sprayed cookie sheet, and spread it out into a circle. Cook it in a 450 degree oven until it's dark around the edges, about 15 minutes. Then top it with pizza sauce and mozzarella or parmesan and whatever toppings you like (I used turkey pepperoni.) Put it under the broiler for a couple of minutes, then take it out and slice it up. My DH had a slice later and didn't even recognize that it was made with cauliflower. Thanks to Lyn from the Escape from Obesity blog for this and many other good recipes!

I haven't been doing a lot of strenous exercise, but have gone on walks in my neighborhood the last two nights. Last night I took my youngest for a walk down to the playground, which she enjoyed a lot. We took the time together to talk about some of her acting up at school, so hopefully this discussion will help.

Building up strength

It's funny, when the journey's as long as mine has been, and probably will be, you make lots of non-weight discoveries along the way. One thing I've discovered is that I want physical fitness in order to enjoy my life more. Weird, huh, that I haven't really figured that out until now. It's literally easier to make myself exercise when I'm training FOR something fun--like vacation. Right now, I know we'll be in San Francisco in July. Lots of hills, and we would probably want to visit Alcatraz, which has a fair amount of hiking. Recently, it was wanting to enjoy walking on the beach and in the rainforest. I just don't want to be on the sidelines telling my family "you go on ahead, I'll wait here." I want to enjoy it with them. I'd even like to get to the point where I don't dodge vacation photos--that might be a ways off, though! To this end, I started doing my walk/jog interval dvd again last night. My goal is to get back into doing it (or the treadmill) regularly to get my strength and endurance back up for the summer.

New Food Discoveries

I think part of the challenge of this journey is figuring out new things to eat that aren't unnatural colors and terrible for the calorie count. I had some great luck over the weekend, and discovered this delicious recipe:

Couscous salad

1/2 tsp table salt, divided

1/2 cup(s) uncooked whole wheat couscous, quick cooking-variety

15 oz canned kidney beans, rinsed and drained

2 medium scallion(s), trimmed and chopped

1 cup(s) cooked broccoli, chopped
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes, or to taste
1/4 tsp ground cumin
1/3 cup(s) canned tomato juice
1 Tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tsp olive oil
Instructions
Combine 3/4 cup water and 1/4 teaspoon salt in a small saucepan; bring to a boil. Stir in couscous and reduce heat to low; cover and simmer for 2 minutes. Remove from heat and set couscous aside, covered, for 10 minutes. Uncover pan, fluff couscous with a fork and spoon into a serving bowl; let cool to room temperature.
When cool, add beans, scallion and broccoli to couscous; toss gently but well.
In a small bowl, combine red pepper flakes, cumin, remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt and tomato juice; stir well. Stir in vinegar and oil, and pour over couscous salad; toss gently but well. Yields about 1 cup per serving.

Lasagna and coping with stress...

Ate the last of my crockpot lasagna yesterday. Here's the recipe:

Crockpot Lasagna

Ingredients

1 pound(s) uncooked lean ground beef (with 7% fat)

1 small onion(s), chopped
1 medium garlic clove(s), minced

28 oz canned crushed tomatoes

15 oz canned tomato sauce
1 tsp table salt
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes, or to taste
1 cup(s) part-skim ricotta cheese
1 1/2 cup(s) part-skim mozzarella cheese, shredded, divided
6 item(s) dry lasagna noodles, no-cook
1/2 cup(s) shredded Parmesan cheese, strong-flavored like Romano or Parmigiano Reggiano
Instructions
Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add beef, onion and garlic; cook, stirring frequently, breaking up meat with a wooden spoon as it cooks, about 5 to 7 minutes. Stir in crushed tomatoes, tomato sauce, salt, oregano, basil and red pepper flakes; simmer 5 minutes to allow flavors to blend.
Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, stir together ricotta cheese and 1 cup of mozzarella cheese.
Spoon 1/3 of beef mixture into a 5-quart slow cooker. Break 3 lasagna sheets in half and arrange over beef mixture; top with half of ricotta mixture. Repeat with another layer and finish with remaining 1/3 of beef mixture.
Cover slow cooker and cook on low setting for 4 to 6 hours. Remove cover; turn off heat and season to taste, if desired.
In a small bowl, combine remaining 1/2 cup of mozzarella cheese and Parmesan cheese; sprinkle over beef mixture. Cover and set aside until cheese melts and lasagna firms up, about 10 minutes. Yields 1/6th of dish per serving.
Notes
To boost your vegetable intake, add a can of zucchini in tomato sauce to the meat mixture. You can also add 2 cups of sliced shiitake mushrooms to the beef mixture.

It was very yummy. I'm not good (yet) with posting pix, or waiting long enough to take a picture before woofing food down. Maybe next time.

I definitely was on a eating tear yesterday. I think it was the nasty PMS monster, but I definitely was targeting salt and sugar. I did limit my consumption of chocolate chip cookies to only two and left the other two in the package at home. I have no doubt that my little darlings will make quick work of them. I was also stressed out by parent-teacher conferences. I really do not enjoy them--I had to navigate some really stressful rush hour traffic, only to wait around past my appointment time to see a teacher who decided that she was referring my kindergartener to the school psychiatrist because she seems to have her good and bad days...HELLO, she's five--doesn't everyone have good and bad days? Anyway, I guess I didn't do too badly considering.

I'm trying to stop the damage there. So far today I've stuck to my tried and true meals (oatmeal with a dab of peanut butter, bulgogi soup, a 100 calorie pack of chex). I have a happy hour tonight where I hope to rant and rave a little with fellow moms from school. Since I'll be driving I know I won't be drinking more than two drinks, so it should be within the calorie allotment for today. Have a good weekend everyone!

Probably TMI

Well, fellow bloggers, it is almost TOM. Is it strange to be making about a thousand bathroom visits today? I must have been retaining Hoover Dam, incredible. I'm hoping this will mean good news for the weigh-in by the end of the week. I have to say that I have been pretty pleased with my food choices over the last couple of days. Last night, I had some lovely WW crockpot lasagna. Sounds like it wouldn't work, but it was delish, and very healthy. I limited my intake of garlic bread to one piece and even got in some green beans. I really need to figure out how to get in more vegetables. I do like them, it's just that I'm not planning so they're always an afterthought (let's see what I have in the freezer...)

Today, I had a lunch function for work at a restaurant where there are A LOT of pitfalls. They're known for their half pound burgers! Anyhow, I opted for some vietnamese pho soup, which also has beef, but probably not more than 4 oz. worth. It took a lot of time to eat, also, which is always a good thing for me. I couldn't finish it, and didn't even try.

Over the weekend, I made up some split pea soup, whole wheat bread, and some "healthy" scalloped potatoes, which I have been eating for breakfasts this week. Wow, it really does help if you plan your menus and do some cooking over the weekend for the week.

Well, better get back to that bathroom! Have a good week!

Turtling along

I weighed in this morning and the number is slowly slipping down. I'm now at 261.8, down from my highest of 278. I would so dearly love to get out of these wretched 260's. I know I felt the same way about the 270's, so maybe I'll be looking back at the 260's in the same way soon. It's hard to do comparisons with other bloggers, because my weight loss has been painfully slow. I have been at this since August 2009. I'm trying not to do the math to figure out how much weight I've lost per week or month--it's definitely not an impressive rate of loss. I lost 60 pounds before on WW, after the birth of my first child (I was about 10 years younger then.) At that point, the loss took less than one year. I'm thinking about the differences between then and now.

Of course, there's the age difference, but the main difference, in my view, is the incidence of thyroid cancer and subsequent loss of my thyroid. I have read a couple of books on this, and all indications are that weight loss is more difficult with thyroid disease. The calorie count needs to be very consistent, and exercise is not an option. When I last lost a lot of weight, I did so largely without formal exercise. This time, I normally need to be exercising 4-5 times a week to even see a one pound loss for the week.

So I'm trying to see the silver lining here. I am definitely learning how to maintain the loss as I proceed along in this journey. I am learning how to eat for nourishment and health, not for entertainment value. I am learning how to incorporate fitness into my life, which has benefits way beyond weight loss. I really do not usually feel like I'm being deprived. What I am doing is not terribly drastic, and I feel like I can continue eating like this for life. So there is an up side to the turtle program, even if it can be frustrating at times. I guess it develops patience, right?

I also need to think about how I'm going to approach our time in the U.S. for home leave this summer. Living in hotels and eating out for a month could really undo my good work if I'm not careful. My amazing ability to re-gain weight on vacation is what prompted my Doctor to suggest the lap band to begin with. Here are some ideas so far: I am choosing hotel rooms with kitchens. I think if I can cook a few meals, this would help with controlling eating. Also, I am going to think about some rules for approaching eating out. As I recall last year, there was a creep that happened after a few days on the road--french fries, why not? Everyone else is ordering milkshakes, seems reasonable. I need to think through this before I'm in the middle of it.

Slowly recovering...

The antibiotics seem to be making a difference. I'm feeling better every day now, coughing less, and secreting less...well TMI, methinks. I managed to stay up until 11 PM last night, so I think the body is responding to the meds. I had some lovely salmon last night with whole wheat couscous and some raw cucumbers. A couple of my kids even joined me in this repast, so I'm hopeful they'll be eating more of what I eat as time goes by. I had to blend up some soup and mashed potatoes and broccoli for poor DH, who had his wisdom teeth out on Monday. Somedays I feel like a short order cook!

I have decided to take part in Tammy's challenge for April. 10 pounds is probably a tall order, but nothing ventured nothing lost! I plan to do some organization for next week this weekend, so that the evening menus are not as random as they've been this week. I know what I'll say next will get me little to no sympathy, but if I leave the cooking up to our helper, I get some pretty uneven results. She's used to cooking with a lot of oil and other goop, and it's just no good for me. The kids also do not like foods with a lot of sauce, or things they can't identify (aka casseroles). We all do better if I plan the menu for the week with recipes for dinners. I also plan (health willing) to get back into the exercise routine next week. I feel my strength has diminished now with very little exercise for the past couple of weeks. Onward and downward!

On the mend

Hello all. Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I'm still trying to recover from whatever this crud is. I saw the doc again yesterday, and they finally came up with some antibiotics, so hopefully that will clear this junk up. I haven't had much of an appetite, but I haven't done any exercise, either. I really do not like this weaky feeling, so I'm looking forward to being able to breathe normally again. It's amazing the things we take for granted in our day to day lives. I never thought I'd be one to take my health for granted, but obviously I have been doing just that. I have to try to remember this for the times in the future that I don't feel like exercising--it really does suck to want to exercise and really not be able to, so we should be taking advantage when we are able. I am down this week, though--now weighing in at 262.8. I saw 261 a couple of days at the scale, but I think that was really because I haven't been eating much. Now that the normal eating is returning, it's creeping back up again. Hopefully by next week I'll be able to get back to some exercise--it's amazing how much I'm missing it--it definitely helps with stress relief!

Sick,but a silver lining

Well, I've been home sick the last few days. I think at this point that it must be the flu, despite having taken regular and H1N1 flu shots. Not fair! The silver lining is that I've had little to no appetite. I've been drinking a ton of fluids, so maybe this will add up to some weight loss by this weekend. It sure does point out how much I do around the house, though. My dH is getting so grumpy about having to do all the little chores I normally take care of, especially with regard to getting the kids school and extracurricular schedules/needs taken care of. He had to do shopping for Easter stuff and birthday presents yesterday, and he was on the phone with me getting constant info on what he should buy. Am I making him helpless by doing so much? Sure seems like it. He was even mad at our helper for moving some opened mail off the dining room table--said he'd rather live in a pigsty than have someone moving stuff around all the time. Am I wrong to have a minor panic when he says things like that? Right now, she's a whole lot more help than he is. I did manage to keep that opinion to myself last night, but come on...when I'm so sick I can't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and get something to drink, is it so much to ask for a little help? Yikes. Today seems better in terms of the coughing--it was so bad earlier this week that my ribs still hurt. I sincerely hope I can get back into the swing of things soon.

Back from Down Under

Sorry for not posting lately, we just returned from a trip Down Under. Yes, we went to Australia! What a great trip. We shared a house with my sister and her family, who were going on to visit their inlaws there. I feel really good about this trip. While my eating was not perfect (they have a great love for fish and chips and meat pies there!), it was a very active vacation. We did a ton of walking and playing on the beach, etc. I was so happy that I was able to do most of what I wanted to do. We hiked up to the Natural Bridge, and I managed just fine. I spent the day walking around amusement parks, and I enjoyed it. Even on the last day, when we were in Sydney walking around the waterfront area, I led the family--even DH, who is usually a psychotically fast walker, was tired. The trip reminded me of what the payoff can be of taking off even a few pounds and improving fitness. I don't have to be a triathlete to get these benefits.

Children are so clear...

I was watching Dr. Oz the other day with my youngest, A--she's 5. She wanted to snuggle with me, so she was putting up with watching a grownup show. I do worry about her from time to time. She's really tall for her age, but she's also a little pudgy. I just worry about her because of my husband and my propensity for being overweight. Anyhow, we're watching the show, and there's a very graphic demonstration of what your arteries look like if you're a diabetic. Basically, he used a plastic tube with a sludgy paste (too much sugar) poured through it, loaded up with some chunks of styrofoam (cholesterol), then tried to pour red liquid through it (blood). It looked a mess. Right then, A shouted at me--I never want diabetes!!!!

It really opened up a good dialogue about how eating the right things can help you avoid diabetes, especially if it doesn't already run in your family (luckily it does not for either my husband or I). She told me I'd better be packing more fruits and veggies in her snack. What a great teachable moment. She also told me I was a little fat and I'd better do something about it--I said I knew that I was, and that I'd already lost 15 pounds, and was working to do more. All that made her pretty happy. It's amazing how clear and simple things are for kids...I have to remember this for later when things seem so complicated.

Better choices

Had a good, busy weekend with some decent choices in the face of what could have been disastrous for the eating plan. The weekend started out with a happy hour, with heavy horsd'oeuvres (I hope that's spelled right). I stuck with a couple glasses of red wine and ate sparingly, with a focus on shrimp. I even left food on the plate because it was way too greasy for my taste. Saturday night was another buffet dinner. Luckily, I'm on the board of the organization that held the dinner, so I was pretty busy. I did make a point of walking there, since I had to be there in advance of the rest of the family. When I did get to the dinner buffet, I was pleased to see that they had lots of good veggie choices, grilled chicken, and sushi. I opted not to drink alcohol that night, so the calories were definitely reasonable. Sunday I got out the crock pot and decided to make a creamy green chile chicken stew, but with WW-friendly ingredients. Although the kids really wanted to go out, I fought them off, served them chicken nuggets (which is probably what they would have eaten at the restaurant anyhow) and ate my delicious, figure-friendly soup.

I wish I could say that all this added up to a loss this week--alas, it did not. I weighed in at 265, which is slightly above last week. This could be due to TOM, but is also probably related to a few cookies that sneaked into our house and my gullet. I really have to stop bringing them home, even when they're half off at the bakery! Can't set a bargain price on my health! All I can do is keep working at this, and I have faith that the results will eventually manifest.

A Perfect Storm

Well, it's an ugly truth, but I'm realizing lately how dependent I am on food for self-soothing. This last week I've been SOOO irritable. Everything's getting on my nerves. Last night, I had a tantrum worthy of a 3 year old over the fact that the drumsticks to our newly bought WII "Rock Band 2" had gone missing. Granted, it is frustrating when you consider that we've only had this thing for a week, but it is what it is. Anyway, one thing led to another, and I'm on a rant about everything from juice stains on the floor to dishes left in the computer room.

Why am I so aggravated over these little things? I think it's partly due to PMS, but also because my mouth is still very sensitive from all the dental work I've had lately. I've tried to sneak a couple yummy things in to make myself feel better (half cookie, you know who you are!), but instead of making me feel better, it made my mouth hurt more--no fair! Without that crutch it's amazing how grouchy I feel--yikes. Am I really that dependent on the comfort I'm getting from food--that's a sad realization. I've got to find other ways to relax and de-stress. On getting up this morning, I lost an earring, couldn't find my mom's wedding ring (eventually it did show up), walked into a kitchen stickified by spilled chocolate milk, couldn't get on the internet to send myself a document needed to send to the estate lawyer for my MIL's affairs, and the list goes on. I think I'd better work on some breathing exercises.:)

On the up side, I did get a good walk in--I spent my entire lunch hour hiking up to what they call "toy alley" here in search of a cat in the hat costume for my son, who has to do a presentation on Dr. Seuss next week. While I'd normally order this kind of thing, the short notice prevented that this time. So it was like a little treasure hunt--found most of what I needed, but of course no one had the iconic red and white striped hat--we'll have to fake it I guess, with another hat. Anyhow, got my activity points in for the day, which is good. I really don't mind exercising when it involves a good urban hike. It's a lot of fun exploring here.

Yuppie angst

Had some interesting revelations over the weekend. The first one came when DH mentioned that we could have walked to the store instead of driving. Now, we had a 5 year old with us, and we wanted to do some shopping, so unless he was ready to carry all of the above I wasn't ready to do that. He got on his familiar rant about how we're both too lazy and should be exercising more--he's got a weight issue also. Just beyond aggravating to me, but that's another story. Anyway, I started talking to him about how walking and/or waiting for a bus makes me feel like a giant loser. Wow, did those words come out of my mouth? I did not realize I felt that way, but there it is. Truth is, I did not learn to drive until about the age of 27, so I spent a lot of my youth waiting on friends' rides, the bus, or walking in uncomfortable situations. So the car is important for me, I guess. What a strange discovery. Funny enough, I can do the treadmill indoors but feel very self-conscious walking outdoors. I wonder if this has anything to do with my non-driving past.

The second revelation came at a potluck I attended with a few other ladies. We get together often just to catch up and gab. They are a good group, but last night the topics seemed to converge around minor plastic surgery and weight loss tea. I really had nothing to add on these topics. I'm not about to get plastic surgery, and it just seems foolish to me to do spend a lot of money on an oriental tea that supposedly helps you to lose weight. Serious money, too--$500 a month is what these ladies were saying. No one seems to know what's in it, but they were told it contains ephedra, and they still wanted to do it. Am I crazy to think this is a bad idea? Of course (and here's where the revelation comes in), I felt utterly unable to comment. Why? Because I'm way heavier than any of them. In fact, I didn't even volunteer that I'd already lost some weight, or how I was doing it.

I think that because I have a serious problem I didn't feel I could engage in such a light conversation about it. I've noticed this even among this small circle of friends. For example, one of the ladies has a son with some serious behavioral issues that are under medical treatment. I never hear her participate in our lighthearted bemoaning of our own kids' foibles. Probably for the same reasons--just too serious an issue to engage in a light way. I also am ashamed of my situation--don't ask me why not talking about it would make this any better, but that's surely the outcome. Maybe she feels the same way about her son's condition, I really don't know.

Maybe this was my weekend for angst, I do not know. I just have a feeling that everyone else is on top of things and I'm not. When I went over to this friend's house, I was shocked at how beautifully she decorates, how organized her house was, her table settings, blablabla. She works outside the home, and has two kids. So what is my problem? I'm frustrated at how disorganized things are at my house, how I have to nag to get anything done, and how much effort even the simple things seem to take. Maybe everyone else stays up til midnight to get everything done? I don't know--I sure haven't found the magic formula yet.

No tooth fairy for me!

Sadly enough, my troubled tooth had to be removed. What a gross process. Needless to say, I won't be getting any presents from the tooth fairy--I think she only likes nice, well-behaved teeth from little children. So I've spent the last couple of days popping ibuprofen and drinking smooothies. I guess it's good from the weight loss perspective because all the grossness has really cut my appetite, and eating is uncomfortable, so there you are--always a silver lining here!

Close on the heels of my dental drama, I had to go to a pre-existing appointment with my endo for the thyroid followup. In general, I was really happy with this appointment. First, my doc actually noticed and sounded encouraging about my weight loss so far. This is the same doc that recommended lap band or the off-label use of a diabetic drug for weight loss. So I'm glad she's on board with my approach--it will make things a lot easier, especially if she understands that slow loss is still OK. All my numbers looked good as far as the thyroid is concerned. My blood pressure was a little on the high side, but she felt confident that it would go down with the weight loss and exercise. I really want to go back to the "Thyroid Diet" book and refresh my recollection on her recommendations.

Well, too many medical procedures in one week if you ask me. The down side is that it's thrown a monkey wrench in my exercising routine for the last couple of days. The upside is that my eating has slowed way down, so maybe it will even out. As I always do, I weighed myself this morning, and will do so Saturday and Sunday, then pick the lowest weight of the three. This morning was not bad. 264.4. We'll see if I can improve on that number over the weekend.

Frittatas are good!

Glad to report that I managed to make the egg white frittata I was talking about yesterday, and it actually came out really well! Not sure that it technically qualifies as a frittata, but I bought a red pepper and some zucchini, which I sauteed with onion in a little olive oil. Once these were nice and soft, I added in some lean chopped up ham. I put this in a rectangular casserole with about a cup and a half of southern style frozen hash browns. I poured about a cup and a half of egg whites over this mix, then sprinkled a tiny bit of grated parmesan over the top. I cooked it until the middle was firm, probably a half hour at 400 degrees. I sliced it into about 6 squares, which when I put it into recipe builder came out to about 3 pts. apiece. Had this with some cut up apples this morning for breakfast--very indulgent! Once I figure out how to take and post photos better, I'd like to post some pix.

It's good I made some soft food, because I woke up with a hella toothache this morning! I have been doing lots of dental work lately, catching up on work not done over the last four years in Russia. Don't ask me why, but I was very hesitant about going to the dentist there--their medical standards are not that great, IMHO, and the traffic was TERRIBLE. I felt like I was taking my life in my hands every time I went out, so I rarely took trips that I deemed "optional." Anyhow, now I'm paying the price. I was at the dentist last week, got started on a root canal on one side of my mouth, and now I have a toothache on the other side, where I have had a tooth that has already been a lot of trouble over the years. Sigh. Maybe I'll be forced on an all liquid diet if both sides are out of commission.

I did continue to write everything down last night. I even did this before deciding whether to have a dessert. In fact, I chose a yogurt because I hadn't gotten much dairy in during the day. Wow, I'm almost acting like a rational grownup here, eating healthy and getting dental work done...what's next, doing my taxes well before April 15? Well, let's not get too crazy here.

I also did at least a token amount of exercise last night--15 minutes of the Sansone video. My muscles felt really tired from the night before, so I did not push too hard. My goal is still to be strong enough for our upcoming trip to Australia (end of March) to enjoy our activities there. Luckily, I don't see any half-marathons in our future, so we should be OK. I have had too many vacations where I'm sitting and watching the action, and I don't like that--I want to be part of it! So I have to keep that in mind when I want to wimp out on the exercise. Life is too short to be spent sitting on the bench.

Monkey see monkey do

Last night went pretty well. I did manage to write everything down that I ate, so that's a step in the right direction. It helped that I made taco soup, which filled me beyond the point of being comfortable once it actually registered in my stomach. Lots O fiber--yikes. I had no desire to snack or even have dessert after that!

Amazingly, I actually was able to move after that, and did a Leslie Sansone workout that I haven't done for quite a while. I really like it because it's an interval type workout with "enhanced walking" AKA jogging. It really makes me feel like I'm doing something, which is important after sitting at a desk all day. I felt like I needed to get out some steam also--nothing like coming home after the rest of your family has had the day off and finding that nothing's been done! I mean, come on...dinner's not started, cr*p all over the house, and a dishful of dishes with the dishwasher full of dirty dishes also. Kind of a bummer. So, I guess I count that as a step forward, not eating my frustration but kicking it with Leslie.

I'm noticing something else, too, when it comes to exercise (and eating for that matter). It's monkey see, monkey do, for better or for worse. My kids will pick up a cookie if I do (it's really disheartening to me), but they will also dance alongside me to exercise videos. Hmmmm....which should I choose...duh!

I'm going to go shopping after work to buy a few things to make a frittata--sounds good. I have lots of egg whites, which I actually like, but was thinking that the mornings will be a lot less hectic if I make a large frittata to subdivide for breakfasts for the rest of this week. We'll see how it goes.

Lunch today was good--I have recently discovered "grilled fish alley" here in Seoul. It's literally an alley with a bunch of hole in the wall grilled fish restaurants. As far as I can figure out, this is a pretty healthy option. The fish is simply grilled, and they serve it with seaweed soup, rice, and lots of veggie sides (kind of kimchi relatives). I don't usually eat much rice, so I figure it to be under 500 calories, and I'm pretty stuffed by the end of it. There is just no way to eat a whole fish quickly with chopsticks, especially if you don't want to ingest a ton of bones. It's a good way to slow down your eating so you can tell when you actually feel full.

Now all I have to deal with is the evening. Right now (about 3 in the afternoon), I'm not in the least bit hungry. I'm sure I will be by dinner. We'll see if anyone has started dinner. I have been doing a dinner plan for the week, with recipes attached and ingredients bought for the week. Well, I can always dream, can't I? :)

Measuring my success

I've decided this week to really focus on measuring. I have a feeling that I'm eating more points than I'm recording, and that may explain the stall in weight loss. So it's back to the drawing board. This morning I measured my egg whites (in a carton, so measured in tablespoons), and the chex mix I'm bringing for a snack for work today. The things I can measure, I'm going to in order to make sure that I'm counting points correctly.

I'm also going to write down EVERYTHING I eat. As I've mentioned before, weekends and evenings are tough for me to record. It's pretty crazy at my house with kids, pets, hubby, chores, etc. However, I'm not going to let this be an excuse. I've seen plenty of other moms do this successfully--why not me? I started by recording the brownies I ate last night. Yes, I did have to dip into the weeklies for that treat, but that's what they're there for, right? I know for myself that I don't want to completely stop eating treats. That's one of the reasons that I can't envision Lap Band Land. What I CAN do is to be accountable for those treats, and make sure they're a part of a healthy overall diet. I think over time it will register for me what's really worth it, and what's not.

One of the other things I'm trying to develop in myself is finding entertainment in things other than food. Yesterday was a good step in that direction. It was a semi-nice day here, so we took the kids out to a very large family park. We walked around for over an hour, played on the outdoor workout equipment, at the playground, fed fish at the ponds and had a nice outdoor picnic. All in all a lovely outing. OK it did involve some food, but it was not the focus at least. I felt good that walking was not an issue--I do think the treadmill work I've been doing is strengthening me, so that's positive. Here's to a good week!

Tweaking my habits

Well, clearly, I'm eating too much of the wrong things--I'm not seeing any progress at the scale, and haven't seen any progress in some time.

On the eating side, I can tell where my weak areas are. I do fairly well in my eating during the day,when I'm at work. It's when I get home that things become more difficult. I think it's that there are too many choices, and the kitchen is always open. Since I live with my husband and three kids, I can't totally strip the house of junk. However, I'm not eating their stuff, either. I think I'm just eating too much of the good stuff. I've always disdained measuring, etc., but I think I might have to do this for a while. The only explanation I can figure out is that I'm underestimating portions, and thus the calorie count. So I need to start measuring things more closely, especially when I'm at home.

The other challenge is eating out. I work outside the home, and part of my day includes going out to lunch with work colleagues. It's an important part of building work relationships, so I don't think I can bail out of that. Usually, luckily, there are pretty healthy choices for lunch.

However, I live in a foreign country, so in general it's tough to tell what's in a given food. For most of the Korean foods I eat, I'm pretty comfortable that I have the right calorie counts down. But if I eat something different--for example, yesterday was Indian food--I feel like the calorie counts are approximate at best. This is a challenging area for me.

I guess I'm concluding that since lunch is often a wild card, dinner needs to be more structured. This is an area that I'm going to have to work on also. We have a wonderful nanny who is a great cook, but unfortunately she fries a lot of things. I'm working with her to encourage healthier choices, but it's tricky. I don't imagine I'm going to get a lot of sympathy for this problem, but there it is.

But I should also focus on how far I've come:

I don't generally eat full desserts any more. No cake, few cookies, no ice cream. Usually when it's offered by hosts, I do not partake of an entire serving-- a bit is enough. This is big for me.\

I don't eat chips anymore. In general, I've cut way back on junk food.

I rarely eat fast food anymore. Chalk this one up to living overseas. No easy access to Mcd's, and I don't have much taste for most of it anymore.

I generally eat only whole grain or "original" carbs--no highly processed carbs anymore. Also don't eat much in the fried department--again, a big change for me.

I exercise at least a couple times a week, and I feel bad if I don't do more. I used to do nothing at all.

So you can see that I have modified a lot of behaviors--just haven't seen the results yet. I'M WAITING, but not very patiently.

Yesterday went fairly well. No snacking--largely because I had a marathon dental appointment in the afternoon. Hey, maybe that can be my weight loss strategy--wiring my mouth shut (kidding!) Went out for dinner with the family, but managed to keep the points fairly low, primarily because my mouth was still sore! The scale is still not budging, but I can't do much about that. Generally, I weigh every day, but look at Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, then choose the low from one of those three days to record in my weight tracker. Weird, I realize, but I've done it consistently and feel that it takes into account the daily fluctuations I have.

Here's to a good weekend!

Mad!

I have to admit that I'm having an angry day today. It started out last night with my 8 year old son relaying to me a "YO MAMMA" comment he received from a schoolmate. You know, one of those that start Yo mamma's so fat.... I'm not sure what the rest of the comment even was, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I had several thoughts--first, where does that kid live? No seriously, how should I have reacted? I told my son not to worry about it--I know I'm fat, I'm doing what I can, I know who I am--so what? To me that behavior says more about his home training than my condition. I think my son feels conflicted--he wants me to know, he wants to defend me, and probably he wants me most of all to change this aspect of myself. I'd like to tell him--join the club! I'd like to change, too, and I'm working on it. At least it motivated me to exercise last night!

All of this just raises bigger issues for me--I get very angry that the general public does not understand how hard we often work to struggle on this weight issue. People just seem to assume you're a terrible eater and lazy to boot. And it doesn't seem to matter that you have significant, ass-kicking accomplishments--cancer survival, summa cum laude, J.D., mother of three, multilingual, etc.--people seem to focus on that one failing--sigh...

For me, any lapse in vigilance on my eating and I seem to put on a couple of pounds. Today when I hopped on the scale it read 266, up from 264.4. What's up with that? I tracked yesterday, was within my points, exercised. I did indulge in one alcoholic drink and some salty chex mix (maybe one cup). But two pounds--come on. Guess I'll up my water today and hope for the best.

Sorry for this downer post, but I feel like this is the one place I can come and be honest. Everyone else seems to expect you to put on a happy face, and I'm realizing that I need to FEEL these feelings, not eat them. Thanks for listening!

Daily report

Today was a good day--managed to track my food, and even managed 20 minutes walking on the treadmill. It was very tempting to slack since DH was in bed with a cold and needed company and I needed to watch his movies...you get the picture. But I heaved myself out of the bed and got the exercise in anyhow. Progress! I do need to focus more on drinking water--I'm totally addicted to Diet Coke, and I know I'm not drinking enough water. Guess I'll have to drown myself at home tonight!

Traversing the plateau--I want to get off!

Well, as you can probably tell, I've been on a plateau since the holidays. While it's good I haven't gained, I have way too much weight to lose to be "maintaining."

So I'm really thinking about what to do to break through this plateau. When I look at my journals and think about my journey, several things are clear.

1. I don't journal consistently--weekends and evenings are tough to capture.
2. I'm not drinking enough water.
3. Portion sizes are approximate.

I guess I can see pretty quickly why this weight isn't leaping off. In the short term, here are my goals:

1. Journal not only during workdays, but also evenings and weekends.
2. Up my water intake.
3. Start measuring some "problem" foods for me--generally my carbs, natch :)

Along with this, I need to continue with the exercise. I know I need to do this to spur the weight loss, especially with the thyroid condition. I read a book called "The Thyroid Diet", and the author maintains that for those with a thyroid condition, exercise is a MUST. I have to face this reality. I have lost a large amount of weight before without exercising on WW, but that was before the thyroid issues.

The other interesting, more positive part of exercising is that it actually makes you FEEL BETTER in your daily activities. I have a vacation coming up in about a month, and I do not want to feel limited in my activities. I want to be able to swim and walk more comfortably. I don't want to freak out if I see a couple of flights of stairs. I don't want to be as squished on the plane. All these are powerful motivators if I remember to focus on them. I have lots of good opportunities for exercise in the evening, between my treadmill and the Walk Away the Pounds DVDs. Just have to do it. So as part of this blog, I'm going to track these goals--Woohoo! So let's see how I do this week.

About Me

Why another blog on weight loss? Aren't there enough already? Maybe so, but I need this one. I firmly believe that this journey is 90% mental, and most of what I need to go through to tackle my issues is in my head. Writing is a great way to sort out these thoughts--I'm too cheap for a therapist, so here I am.

So what do you need to know about me? I am a forty-something mother of three, happily married, full-time outside the home professional, who has struggled her entire life with weight issues. I also am a thyroid cancer survivor, with no thyroid function currently.

It was because of the last condition that I ran headlong into the title of this blog. My endocrinologist, having seen me lose about 8 pounds over about two months, only to gain 10 pounds over a two week vacation, suggested I might need more help than a program like WeightWatchers could provide.

She suggested either a lap band procedure or an off-label use of a diabetic drug (which I would have to inject into my own belly a couple of times a day). I have to say that I started crying in the office at the suggestion.

After the shock wore off, I realized that I really hadn't done everything I could do on my own. I never have been great at exercising, and I have a lot of issues about completely owning everything I put in my mouth. I realized that with either of the methods proposed by the endocrinologist, I would need to control my eating and exercise. Based on this, I rededicated myself to the weight loss journey.

What has worked for me so far has been doing WeightWatchers online. Since I live overseas, it's the most practical approach for me. I started the most current iteration of this journey at 278 pounds, in August, 2009. I'm currently at 264.4 pounds. You may have noticed that the weight is not coming off quickly--believe me, I've noticed this too. But here's my motto: Never give up. No matter what. I'm confident that if I keep at this I'll eventually get the results I want: a healthier, stronger body that will enable me to do the things I want in life--be a vital wife, mother, employee, hiker, etc.

Well, I think this will do for a first post.