Sloppy eating

Hello all--

I have to say today I'm frustrated with myself. Of course, I'm on day two of a holiday three day weekend, and it's been tough eating-wise. I'd have to characterize my eating as sloppy. Yes, I am limiting my portions, but I'm not eating an ideal WW program. And I have to realize when I say that I'm limiting my portions, most people do not start with my standards (two hamburgers, why not, it's a picnic, right?)

And I'm not getting the results I want, of course. I just have to whine a little bit, though...two days of sloppy eating can result in a two pound gain for me. TOTALLY not fair. My youngest even said to me this morning, wasn't that ice cream last night good? And then I told her I didn't have the ice cream, remember? And thought to myself, and I'm still fat.

Why is this so difficult? I think part of the reason is that so many events seem to revolve around food. This weekend alone, there was a going away party on Friday (dinner food), and a picnic yesterday (more food). Then last night my DH decides we need to go out (because of course he didn't go to the earlier foodfest), and I had to sit and watch him eat all his calories (and then some) in one sitting.

Of course he loves draft beer, so I drank a couple of glasses also (which, I know, I shouldn't have done). One thing I'm realizing on this journey is that I don't even really like beer or what it's doing to me. It used to be fun, but can anyone tell me why now all it does is make me swell up and sweat? Wow, I was super grumpy after drinking a couple of glasses last night. And of course I'm still swollen this morning from processed restaurant crap and alcohol.

I did talk to DH about it last night, but I'm not sure that much is going to change for him. He told me the other night that he really wants to lose weight, but I'm not sure he's willing to put in the effort. Hell, lately, I know I haven't been. I certainly CANNOT do this for two people. What I will do is get back to journaling, drinking water, and exercising this week. All cylinders really have to be firing for me to see any progress.

Jumpy

Hello all--again, I can't believe I'm not posting more often. This week has been strange, that's probably the best way to characterize it. For those of you who don't know, I am an American living in Seoul, South Korea. So maybe now you understand the title of this post. We live with the nut to the North everyday--we're only about 50 miles away from the border here. However, with South Korea confirming that the torpedo that sunk its sub, killing 45 people, was launched by North Korea, tension has been escalating here. I have to say that I've been trying to downplay it, but it is affecting me. I'm dreaming about running, and actually had one foot on the floor when I dreamt my doorbell rang at 2 in the morning. My kids asked me yesterday if we were going to be evacuated, and I tried to reassure them, but I'm not sure how confident I sounded. I've been trying to get my documents in order and think about what I'm going to do with my little doggie if this happens...they won't evacuate animals. (BTW, I'm going to leave him with my vet with a load of cash for boarding.)

Anyhoo, I haven't been that focused on tracking my eating. Basically, it's been healthy, but I haven't been writing it down or paying much attention to portion size. In fact, last night, it was a darn good thing I didn't have much "bingeworthy" foods available...I could have eaten ten candy bars...instead, all I had were a couple of fun size kitkats that were about a hundred years old. I was stressed out, and DH was out VERY late with a work event.

Funny enough, the exercise is going pretty well--usually the eating is difficult and the exercising is hard. I think right now it's somewhat a stress relief. I have this weird notion that I need to be able to run if need be--it helps me get motivated to exercise. I had this post 9-11, too--I was living and working in DC, and all of that was WAY too close for comfort. My notion was that I should be able to walk home from work--I always had a pair of tennis shoes in my drawer at work, and I did get up to the point that I could have easily walked the 5 or so miles home. I know, it's a weird motivator, but hey, it's my life.

Maybe Kristy would write more?

Sorry I haven't written much lately. Work has been VERY busy lately, so it just is sucking the life out of me. On a positive note, the exercising is going well this week. I just can't believe how gratifying it is to actually be able to jog, even a little bit. I really didn't think I was capable of it. And it definitely makes me sweat a lot more--that has to be good for something, doesn't it?

On the down side, I realized this week that I have cankles. Who makes these words up? I actually had to look this up the other day online. I have always had really heavy legs, and a smaller upper body, so the condition isn't anything recent. What is recent is realizing that so many people have noticed this character flaw that it has its own name.

So weird, even though I know my legs are not my best feature, that I'm depressed to be officially "diagnosed" by popular media. Maybe I'm in deep denial, but I've had my fat body for most of my life, and in some ways I feel like I think of nothing else, and in other way (like cankles), I don't think about it much at all--just have accepted it. I think the condition itself doesn't bother me as much as other peoples' cruelty about it. Yup, that's it I think.

What would Kristy do?

Hi all!

Sorry I haven't written more this last week, but I've been thinking about this post, anyhow. I started thinking about the name of this blog, and how I started writing. Basically, my doctor suggested lap band surgery, and it was a giant wakeup call to me to get cracking on the weight loss journey. Since then, I'm down 15 pounds without the benefit of surgery, thank you very much.

But I started thinking about whether this "leaving" concept is the best mental approach here. Lately, I've been thinking, maybe I need to start visualizing what I'm leaving FOR. In other words, where am I trying to get? Lately, I have found this visualization a whole lot more motivating than the initial fear that got me going on this process.

Thus, the question posted in the title, "What would Kristy do?" I am visualizing a 160-170 pound version of myself who is fit and active and upbeat. When I'm on the treadmill and not all that motivated, I'm asking myself, "What would Kristy do?" Of course, Kristy would enjoy her workout because this is her life now. Excuse my schizophrenia, but this way of thinking is really helping me lately. Snack? Would Kristy eat that? Would Kristy eat that and try to hide it from her family...I think not. Would Kristy go back for seconds or be satisfied with a reasonable serving? Kind of psycho, but it is helping me in a strange way...maybe because it's visualizing the kind of person I want to become.

So last week I did very well with the exercise. I'm now at the point where I can "start" the 8 week program. I'm going to do the first week this week, and see how my joints react. So far so good!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's come and gone here, Happy Mother's Day anyhow! I just had to say that I'm proud of myself for choosing a non-food activity for Mother's Day. DH offered to take me to a brunch, but I asked to go to an indoor water park instead (don't ask me why I do these crazy things!) We did end up eating out, but it was a lot lighter than a brunch buffet. But the more important thing is that the main event was NOT the food. I'm really trying to initiate more activities that are non-food related. I want to do more than eat, darn it! (Maybe if I say that often enough I'll actually mean it :) ). Seriously, though, we discovered a new area of town, a new mall, and a new waterpark. They have lovely massaging jets, pools, soaking tubs, and all kinds of good clean fun, so we had a good time.

I did weigh myself this weekend. Looks like it's finally moving down--back to 262. It had gone as high as 265 in the week prior. Look at me writing about this as if my weight is a third person--kind of feels that way sometimes I guess. Have a great week everyone.

Non-scale victories

Well, since the scale hasn't been cooperating lately, I've decided to focus on some non-scale victories (Princess Pollyanna returns!) I started a few days ago with the notion that I wanted to follow an 8 week program offered by WW for getting you jogging 20 minutes in 8 weeks. Here's what I learned so far: I couldn't even do the first workout, LOL! They wanted 5 minutes walking with 1 minute jogging times 4. So, here's the victory--instead of getting discouraged and skulking back to the couch in shame, I've continued working toward doing the first week's workout! Every day this week I've walked and done a little jogging on the treadmill. Last night I got up to three minutes of jogging interspersed with about 15 minutes of walking. So I'm working up to the starting point of that program. I'm pretty happy with my level of sweatiness after the workout, so I know I'm doing something. I also like the idea of being able to run--seems like it would be so liberating.

I'm also sticking with the journaling and eating properly even though I'm seeing no cooperation on the scale. I have to laugh when I talk to other people about weight loss...my assistant at work is discouraged because, after losing 5 pounds in her first week, she's not seeing any scale movement in the next few days after her initial weigh-in. She's ready to quit and go back to eating cheesecake all weekend. I'd hate to tell her that I've only lost about 15 pounds in almost a year. She's probably be mortified. Anyhow, I'm going to keep at it, trying new things, working on getting that stubborn weight off my body.

DH--Why is eating out so great?

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why my DH thinks it's so great to go out to eat. I really am not a bad cook. I actually like cooking, and am fairly decent at it. We actually have a helper at home who cooks pretty well, too. A few times a week she'll get something started, and so dinner is really not a big deal. Except my DH sulks when he doesn't go out.

Let's look back at this week. Friday night: happy hour with typical bar snacks. Sunday: Buffet brunch out. Tuesday: last minute begging involving the children prompted a dinner out at a smoky, noisy restaurant with not many good choices. Today: Children's Day here in Korea, and my DH brings them downtown to go out to lunch with me--this time, at least, it was in a Korean restaurant with choices that were not horrendous.

I'm not sure why the crappiest food out is better than the greatest food in, but that's the impression I've got. On top of that, since I'm the stick in the mud that wants to stay in, I get stuck with all the shopping, food prep, and cleanup (because he didn't want to eat in anyway.)

I just find it way easier to control portions and food at home--you know what's going in to your mouth, and how to count it. DH knows this, but just can't seem to internalize it, or doesn't care. It's frustrating.

No matter what, though, I'm eating at home tonight and tomorrow. Rant over (for now:)).

Persistence

Being stubborn can have its advantages some days...yesterday, I was bound and determined to start an 8 week program I found that alternates walking/jogging. So I came home to the treadmill, wanting to watch a program on the computer while I was doing this, and guess what? No internet. OK, plan B...I'll listen to some music on the computer. Guess what? This weird computer is not giving me any sound. AAAK! So I go into my room to do a video instead. Guess what? The video I wanted to do isn't there. Yikes. So I did one I didn't want to do instead. Guess what? I got interrupted by my naughty child. So I took a break, reset the internet, then got back on the treadmill. And people wonder why it's so hard to exercise? (Note, though, I was very happy I finally did it.) And I'm going to do it again.

Weekend wildness

I guess the sun is affecting my brain somehow because my eating was not good this weekend. I'm joking about the sun, I know this is my own decision, so don't worry :) Anyway, I started with a happy hour on Friday, continued on Saturday with no journaling, and then Sunday with a buffet brunch. Yikes--a difficult weekend eating-wise.

The up side is that I know I'm making better choices than I used to. For the brunch, I definitely focused more on the fruits, salads, and steamed seafood than on the greasy eggs, sausage, etc. Still probably more quantity than I needed, but an improvement. We also did some walking afterwards, which probably did not really erase the damage, but mitigated it somewhat.

I do feel I need to return to a more structured approach to keep moving the direction I want to be going in. This week I'm going to focus more on journaling accurately. Also, I found an eight week program in the WW magazine for getting up to 20 minutes of jogging. I'm going to try it to see if it helps me get motivated. I'd really like to get out of these dreaded 260's!!! Have a good week everyone!