Yuppie angst

Had some interesting revelations over the weekend. The first one came when DH mentioned that we could have walked to the store instead of driving. Now, we had a 5 year old with us, and we wanted to do some shopping, so unless he was ready to carry all of the above I wasn't ready to do that. He got on his familiar rant about how we're both too lazy and should be exercising more--he's got a weight issue also. Just beyond aggravating to me, but that's another story. Anyway, I started talking to him about how walking and/or waiting for a bus makes me feel like a giant loser. Wow, did those words come out of my mouth? I did not realize I felt that way, but there it is. Truth is, I did not learn to drive until about the age of 27, so I spent a lot of my youth waiting on friends' rides, the bus, or walking in uncomfortable situations. So the car is important for me, I guess. What a strange discovery. Funny enough, I can do the treadmill indoors but feel very self-conscious walking outdoors. I wonder if this has anything to do with my non-driving past.

The second revelation came at a potluck I attended with a few other ladies. We get together often just to catch up and gab. They are a good group, but last night the topics seemed to converge around minor plastic surgery and weight loss tea. I really had nothing to add on these topics. I'm not about to get plastic surgery, and it just seems foolish to me to do spend a lot of money on an oriental tea that supposedly helps you to lose weight. Serious money, too--$500 a month is what these ladies were saying. No one seems to know what's in it, but they were told it contains ephedra, and they still wanted to do it. Am I crazy to think this is a bad idea? Of course (and here's where the revelation comes in), I felt utterly unable to comment. Why? Because I'm way heavier than any of them. In fact, I didn't even volunteer that I'd already lost some weight, or how I was doing it.

I think that because I have a serious problem I didn't feel I could engage in such a light conversation about it. I've noticed this even among this small circle of friends. For example, one of the ladies has a son with some serious behavioral issues that are under medical treatment. I never hear her participate in our lighthearted bemoaning of our own kids' foibles. Probably for the same reasons--just too serious an issue to engage in a light way. I also am ashamed of my situation--don't ask me why not talking about it would make this any better, but that's surely the outcome. Maybe she feels the same way about her son's condition, I really don't know.

Maybe this was my weekend for angst, I do not know. I just have a feeling that everyone else is on top of things and I'm not. When I went over to this friend's house, I was shocked at how beautifully she decorates, how organized her house was, her table settings, blablabla. She works outside the home, and has two kids. So what is my problem? I'm frustrated at how disorganized things are at my house, how I have to nag to get anything done, and how much effort even the simple things seem to take. Maybe everyone else stays up til midnight to get everything done? I don't know--I sure haven't found the magic formula yet.